OUTSIDE LOOKING IN

By Special Guest Blogger Kyle Reagan

Some thigs have been bothering me lately...some things have made me laugh...I want to share both,

1. Hideki Matsui, great guy, great player, glad we got him and glad we extended him. I love you Hideki, I really do...but when I checked my Japanese-to-English dictionary I found that "Hideki" in english means "face that will knock a buzzard off a shat wagon." Before he gets nominated that guy from "Lost" ...

2. Gonna be magical next year...sometime in early April Jason Varitek will catch a strike three and standup to throw the ball around the horn. He will throw a one-hopper to Mike Lowell that will bounce off his glove and roll into left field where it will be fielded by Gabe Kapler who will throw it into Lowell who will turn and sail one over Mark Loretta's head into right field where Trot Nixon will be totally unaware of what is going on while he tries to count to 13 with his shoes and socks on (he ignores Dave Roberts- the centerfielder's yells)...Loretta will jog out, pick up the ball and throw it over to Alex Gonzalez who will have it fall out of his glove on the transfer but will pick it up and throw it over Youkilis' head into the 5th row of seats behind first base...gonna be magical. Varitek (with the "C" on his shirt) will yell out "look alive guys, c'mon!" Somewhere Theo Epstein will smile...

3. Peter Gammons was on ESPN and commenting on the Sox dumping Rent--a-Wreck for a prospect. In his always-pro-Sox stance he said (with a straight face I might add) "The Sox were worried Renteria would never get comfortable and people have said that Marte, if he was a Junior in college would be a first round pick" Did someone slip a "mickey" into Peter's Fruit Loops? The guy has stopped even trying to make sense at this point. I fully expect him to yell out "Gridlock!" during a Sportscenter, ala General Stockdale.

4. Dick Vitale is back on my TV...this is the year I pull an "Elvis" on my TV- I swear. Shut the F up about "diaper dandies" and "windex teams"...oh, and St Louis beating up on Vanderbilt isn't "Awesome with a capital A" OK...Dick (a more appropriate name there could not be)

5. I laughed when the Blue Jays signed Burnett and Ryan to 5 year deals and then announced JP Ricciardi was given a 3-year extension...in other words, if these deals are exploding our face we will can your boner-nosed ass. It reminds me of politicians who always seem to come up with 5 year plans when their terms are 4 years...

6. I saw Keith Foulke on a milk carton the other day...$100 reward for any information leading to his whereabouts.

7. Expecting Bernie Williams to tutor Bubba Crosby is like asking Beethoven to teach Ozzy Ozborne the cello. I do think it is cool that the only guy named "Bubba" within 1000 miles of New York City is our CFer...

8. Why do place kickers wear shoulder pads? Jay Feely should be forced to wear a cheerleaders outfit. I don't hate too may people on my favorite teams...but I hate Jay Feely...the Chuck Knoblauch/ Mackey Sasser/ Steve Sax of place kicking.

9. Johnny Damon says he'll cut his hair and shave his beard to play with the Yankees...how bout you drop the "ny" from your name and cut your hair cuz you're 32. That is reason enough.

10. Javier Vasquez says he doesn't want to come back to the Yankees because of the way he was treated. How bout this Javy...we don't want you back with the Yankees because of the way you were treated (like a fricking BP pitcher!!!)

11. Jason Giambi will be dominant this year- an offensive force. But somebody has to explain to me why a guy who is in the top .05% of the human population as a hitter, runs like he has bleeding corns on the heels of his feet and throws like he's a finalist in an egg toss challenge. Hang a freaking tire off a branch in your backyard this Winter and throw baseballs through it, will ya. Call Goodad for advice.

12. The Reds say they will use Tony Womack in a "super utility" role...its unfair for me to judge... but the words "Womack" and "super" should never, ever be in the same sentence...unless that sentence is "Womack was a super disappointment with the Yankees." Just kidding, Tony was a class guy who never got the chance to do what he thought he could- but the torture we laid on him this year doesn't make up for the BS bloop double in the 01 World Series. Plus, why was his helmet so big? He looked like Rick Moranis in "Space Balls" as Lord Dark Helmet.

13. I want John Damon...OK, there I said it. 4 years, 5 years- whatever...get it done Cash...and defer 06 money until Sheff/ Mussina comes off the books...

14. I want Nomar (Garciapara)...that's been no secret...play him in RF and DH Sheff...

15. WE make those last two moves and our lineup just became...ready for this...Damon (will hit 20 in Yankee Stadium)Jeter (mechanically perfect)AROD (MVP)Giambi (see note #11)Sheff (unless he shanks Cashman in the shower will be great- again)Matsui (ugly...but great)Nomar (batting 7th? doesn't seem fair)Posada (try to hit into less than 2500 double plays this year)Bernie (did Mickey mantle ever bat 9th?)I will go to bed with that in my head...

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